How Classic Country Helped This Server Refrain From Burning It All to the Ground

I was a fool.

Like many hipsters, I had written off country music as corny and homogeneous. At the same time, as a bartender, I was having trouble finding a music playlist that struck the balance between appropriately upbeat for a pleasant dining experience and not so peppy that my misanthropic mindset would make me rip the speakers off the wall and throw them into the deep fryer.

Music choices can really make or break the work experience for restaurant employees. For example, picture a Sunday brunch; the sun casts its harsh light across a dining room full of more toddlers than you knew lived in this city, with parents that have designated this brunch their “break” from child-rearing; their young are grabbing hot cups of coffee off neighbouring tables or full-speed sprinting into the kitchen; a lineup of seething, hangry weekend warriors are somehow willing to wait an hour for “their” table, but rest assured that they personally blame you , and— whoops— one of the toddlers just threw up on a horrified table of food bloggers. In that moment, the dulcet tones of Faith No More ring out, singing “Easy Like Sunday Morning”.

In an almost Manchurian Candidate-like trance, you stride confidently towards the restaurant’s picture window and hurl yourself through.

Servers, has this ever happened to you? This is where old-school country music’s ability to balance high energy hoe-downs with the most dire lyrics comes in handy! The tune soothes the diners while the song’s hidden meaning resonates with your bitter ennui! So why not give this cool, classic country playlist a spin? It promises to provide a fun retro vibe while holding the anxiety dreams at bay long enough until you can save up enough tips for a therapist!

Hank Williams - Mind Your Own Business

This perky little two-step number, more famously known as “Move It On Over”, will entertain diners and servers alike; the customer can bop to the beat while demanding to know how come you don’t have that fish special they had here one night eleven years ago, and you, the server, can literally tell them to their breadstick-stuffed face to mind their own fucking business, under the guise of singing along to your favourite tune by Hank Williams. “Gosh, wasn’t he just a legend?” you say. “Gone too soon. Those lyrics: ‘mind your own business, and I’ll keep minding mine.’ So profound, don’t you think?” Whether they’re phoning to ask “Do you think you’ll be particularly busy next Friday around 7:45?” or asking why the two of them can’t sit at the reserved fifteen-seat banquet table, this tune covers all your passive-aggressive needs.

Wilf Carter - Plant Some Flowers by My Graveside

This song is particularly for servers working a weekend double. Even more specifically, the singular moment when your coworker for the first half of the shift gets relieved of their duties and half-heartedly turns back to you asking, “anything else I can do for you before I go?” In that exact moment, a children’s birthday party looms behind them like the villain in a horror movie. A single tear slides down your face because you know there is nothing else to be done, except request that they plant some flowers by your graveside, and perhaps tell your mother that it’s not her fault. “Now go,” you murmur as you grimly put on the birthday hat, “and don’t you dare look back. GO!!” They give you one last tearful look before dashing out of the full dining room. This song is perfect for that!

Patsy Cline - Walkin’ After Midnight

Now, you’ll have to learn the lyrics to this one, because this wistful melody is for all my lady bartenders out there to sing to yourselves as you lock up the bar alone at 3:30am. This tune serves perfectly to hold at bay the terror of all the legitimate dangers that could be hiding around every dark corner. “ I go out walkin' after midnight,” you whisper-sing in a quivering voice, “just hopin' you may be, somewhere a-walkin' after midnight, searchin' for me.” The lyrics apply perfectly to your Uber driver who is nowhere to be seen on the empty street because the app has inexplicably instructed him to wait two full blocks away parked behind a public school or some shit. Bonus: if you do end up dead, you can be the neighbourhood ghost girl who wanders around singing Patsy Cline! Spooky!

Caroll Baker - One Drink’s One Too Many (And a Thousand’s Not Enough)

… I mean, I think we all get it.

One Is One Too Many (And a Thousand's Not Enough) · Carroll Baker ℗ 1975

You may notice a lot of references to “before-times” situations in this little list; obviously a lot has changed in the service industry in 2020, and there could be a whole other playlist just dedicated to the act of sanitizing (“So Fresh and So Clean”, maybe?) So if I may humbly offer some advice: If you happen to be reading this and aren’t in the service industry, and you have the means to be dining out, you’d best be tipping better than you’ve ever tipped in your life. Restaurant staff are guaranteed to be spending double or triple the amount of time and effort on your table making sure they’re keeping you and your friends safe, while putting themselves at risk and serving considerably fewer tables as a result. It’s a struggle, and scary on many levels, so kindly start treating generous tips as a baseline, or else karmically risk being reincarnated as a brewpub’s urinal cake.